Doing my part to help make America the 33rd best country in North America.
Wish my dick and my heart were into the same things
Well, I officially have so many grey hairs that it is no longer realistic to pluck them out.
Is this what it feels like to be mortal? I hate it.
I might need you guys to talk me down off this ledge.
I just bought some boneless ribs at the store, and when I got home I noticed that the label said “Warning: May Contain Bones”
While my sister sits in one corner doing baby-talk to her newborn, I’m in the opposite corner doing the same to my BLT.
I guess I’m kind of oblivious to things happening out there, because I just finished reading Ender’s Game and a friend asked “Oh, was that in preparation for watching the movie?” and I was like “They made a movie out of that?”
(FYI the book is really good. I’ll review the movie if it ever makes it to Netflix)
The main difference between my sister and I is that I’m a normal person and she sets her thermostat to 77° like a psychopath
My coworker’s girlfriend sent him flowers at work, but there wasn’t a card. So I wrote one. To myself. From a secret admirer. Then I placed it on the flowers and put them in a vase and displayed it on my counter, just to stir up some speculation and controversy:
“My dearest Matthew,
Your smile and spirit shine brighter than all the stars in the night sky. You are my everything.
Football wouldn’t be that bad to watch in a bar if there weren’t strangers around that are clearly “experts”
Today I served Dave Grohl coffee.
You can’t tell me that I don’t have the best job in the world.